Skipping dinner at the Chelsea Hotel.: Black Swan; Best film for thinspo.

Call me Chloe.
It's not my real name, but I've always liked the label.
I'm 19 years old and since I was 11 I've had some sort of eating disorder.

I was a very skinny kid and when puberty hit i filled out a little. Not much mind, but enough to notice. My family would make sly little comments and I began comfort eating. I use the term 'comfort eating' loosely. I was binging on everything I could find. Thus causing me to gain more weight on top of my puppy fat. I had to get rid of it somehow. Here comes the bulimia part.

I had to get rid of this weight. I remembered one time I had food poisoning; anything I ate, i would throw back up.... and lose half stone that week.

Being sick became my new thing. I would binge on everything in the kitchen and bring it all back up again straight after.

This continued until I was about 15. At 15 I found Pro-Ana-Mia websites/blogs/myspaces.

I made profiles on every social networking site for my daily doses of thinspo and began the cycle of restricting, over eating and purging. I lost weight and I felt almost better. At 15 I was 5"6 and 108lbs. I kept a thinspo scrapbook of the best skinny people. I became obsessed with Nicole Richie, the girls from The OC, Alison Mosshart, Audrey Hepburn and every supermodel..

Then my mum found out what I was doing. My laptop was confiscated and I was forced to eat every meal with family (and then sit with them until I went to bed incase I purged)

I lost all my privacy.

My mum weighed me every week until I gained back the weight. I was miserable.

By the time I was 17 I was 5"8 and 178lbs. She made me get back to my original weight + MORE! Probably so if I lose weight again she'll notice before I get lower down the numbers.

At 18 I was constantly arguing with my mother and frequently moved in with my dad. My mum eased up on watching my diet and I could pretty much do what I wanted.

So I got back on myspace. Made another profile and started again.
This time round I took my mother's diet pills. She had a bottle of Xenadrine tablets her friend gave her from America. I didn't sleep for weeks but the weight did come off quickly.

I never reached my goal weight before getting caught this time. 164lbs. I had like 60lbs left to go.

Solitary confinement again. I gained nearly all my weight back.

At 18 I also started seeing someone. My first real boyfriend. The first person I allowed to get close to me. We split up 7 months ago. And since then my EDNOS ways have returned.

But this time I binge more than I purge. I fast for a day. Then binge with the occasional bathroom break.

I know I now weight more than 178lbs. I'm terrified to go on the scales. I don't want to know the truth of what I weigh.

At a guess I weigh about 190lbs. It makes me sick to write that.

90lbs goal loss.

My mother catching me is not going to stop me this time.

Skipping dinner at the Chelsea Hotel.

Monday, 3 January 2011

Black Swan; Best film for thinspo.

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